Fusion

I'm taking ADR (alternative dispute resolution), and communication and conflict this term. Before the term even began I read a book about conflict in the church, which was excellent.
Two things I'd like to share:
Fusion occurs when a person's boundaries, identity and values aren't firmly in place, then other people's attitudes, mood, behavior and temperament of other people have a greater impact. Fused people think that whatever behavior another exhibits is directly related to them personally; so when the other is crabby, angry, behaving poorly OR even when their attitudes are correct, their mood and self-identity mirrors the other one instead of remaining separate and independent.
Not too long ago, in an atypical manner for me historically, I managed to maintain my self and avoid fusion with a justifiably frustrated friend who was feeling a bit overwhelmed because of a lot of stress. Total honesty prior to the high tension point in the matter helped me maintain my own identity instead of reacting. I wanted to tackle a few domestic chores to ease my friend's burden, but also I wanted to do the chores because I needed hard labor as a break from studying. Instead of mirroring my friend's tense mood, I maintained perspective, prayed and asked God, "Am I doing the right thing? am I more help or hindrance? should I stay or should I go?" Realizing that my needs were met by helping and concluding I was doing a good job (and thus helpful) at the tasks attempted, I stayed and worked, and managed to keep my attitude in line.
Later I had the chance to discuss this matter, to explain my actions and stubborness, and to ask for clarity for the future of the relationship. The conversation confirmed that I had done the right thing in this situation. I had managed to avoid fusion with my friend.

That leads to my second lesson. One key to keeping tension at bay is to keep your life mission statement, goals, values and priorities firmly entrenched in your brain. Then when tension is felt (and all relationships do have tension present at times, even the best ones) you can disassociate from the tension, go through your own checklist to determine if change is needed, and then act according to your own script. The temptation to REACT instead of ACT is thus reduced.
My brother Anth reminded the other day that I am responsible for MY actions, not for the OUTCOME of my actions. I tend to get angry at God when I think I do everything right, and things seem to turn sour (from my limited perspective). In so doing I have fused with my circumstances, instead of correctly aligning myself with God's grace and mercy. I have to take my thoughts captive and set them at the feet of Jesus. And I need to ask God for insight: What do I need to learn from this experience? Am I in alignment with my goals, values, purpose and mission? Do my goals, values, purpose and mission align with Biblical standards (and there's a lot of freedom there; very little of our life is actually dictated--none the less this check is always needed in every action).
Ponder on with me, dear readers! Sometimes the brain hurts like an overused muscle, but the pain is worth the gain.